lone_horse | TLV Inbox

No. I don't know.

[She says it sullenly.]

It's just sort of annoying how much sense you're making. I mean-- if you're right, then the reason my stomach stopped bugging me for a few days after the flood is because I was letting it all out then! I was upset, and I was talking to a lot of people about it.

[ He nods, because that would make a lot of sense. Not that he necessarily thought any of that. But the important thing is that what he's said has helped her put those things together. ]

Would that be a bad thing?

No, I liked talking about it. But that was different. I like talking about Natalie; I don't like talking about being-- mopped.

Is it just because it's unpleasant? Or is there something else?

[ He pauses before- ]

I've seen your postings. You don't seem to mind talking about murder.

Oh, that's different.

[She shrugs, casually.]

I was proud of how I took care of our little reporter problem at home, and then I needed to announce Petronilla's death because that's how things are done here-- I did make that post asking about other people's experiences with being murdered, and that was related; that was kind of unpleasant. But it was necessary, and I learned a lot.

Why was it necessary?

[ A short headtilt. ]

And why wouldn't it be necessary to talk about your own experiences if it makes you feel better?

It was necessary to compare my experience to other people's. I was still sort of hoping I was just dealing with an extra long death toll, back then.

[She carefully evades that second question, at least for now.]

And now? Why isn’t it necessary to discuss your own feelings?

[Again, instead of answering--]

Hey, isn't this, like, cheating? Being unfaithful to my warden, or something?

The warden that sent you to me?

[ Yeah, no- ]

You can tell me you don’t want to answer. But you don’t have to do that.

All the same, it’s probably a key part to why you still have the pain.

I was just wondering.

[Misty pulls herself back onto her feet, wandering over to the training dummy and inspecting it, deliberately avoiding eye contact.]

... Mmm, maybe-- maybe try asking a smaller question? Something along these lines but more, um, I guess more pointed and less broad.

[ He considers that. ]

Is it that you don't like people paying attention to you... or is it that you don't think your own wants and needs are worthy of attention or care?

[ His tone says he's not sure if that's close but he's also willing to be wrong to give her what she needs. ]

Oh, I don't have self-esteem issues.

[That, at least, is an easy one; thank you, Kiryu.]

So... neither? I just don't like people seeing me when I'm vulnerable.

I didn’t actually think you did. But you can lack self worth and still have plenty of confidence. Especially if you’re the kind of person who doesn’t know who they are when they aren’t helping looking out for someone else. Or believe that you shouldn’t take up time in healing yourself when you should be helping someone else.

[ He shrugs. Just saying.]

Do you know why you don’t like letting people see that side of you?

I know who I am. And I take care of myself just fine, I just-- don't get anything out of it. Anything extra, I mean.

[She sighs.]

I just like being the strong one, the one who knows what she's doing... the one people have to rely on. You can't be that if people think you're prone to breaking down yourself.

…that’s not true at all.

[ Speaking from experience here. ]

And there’s a big difference between breaking down all the time and acknowledging your limits and needs.

Well, I do that; I just do it really quietly. And it's-- it's different for you; everybody likes you without you having to force or trick or bribe them into it. I don't have that.

[ Okay, that throws him a little.]

Nani?

[ He shakes that off. ]

What?

[ No no no, no getting side tracked. ]

Do you think that’s the only way to get people to like you? Because it isn’t.

It's the only way to get people to like me. Trust me, Kiryu; this is years of experience talking.

-- Well. Except for Pagan. Pagan's an outlier.

He’s not, really. Pagan knows what he’s doing. And he cares about you. But I won’t discount your experience.

There’s a lot of assholes in the world.

[ He crosses his arms but it’s clearly just a standard sitting pose as opposed to being closed off; his arms are loose.]

What do you think is different about you and me?

I don't know. There's just something about me, or about other people, or about me and other people together.

So! I learned to work with it.

Would you be willing to believe there is a reason?

I don't know. But I think we're getting... off course. This really doesn't have anything to do with me having panic attacks.

You also don’t like anything in a conversation to be out of your control.

[ He’s pointing that out now. Because he’s noticed and it’s not his favorite. He doesn’t take well to people trying to direct him. Thankfully, in a situation like this, he can be patient. ]

Minds and hearts aren’t as simple as fixing a car. I think it does.

Well, I think it doesn't, and we're talking about me, so-- doesn't that mean it makes sense for me to be the one in control?

spam

Re: spam

spam

Re: spam

spam

Re: spam

spam

Re: spam

spam

Re: spam

spam

Re: spam

spam

Re: spam

spam

Re: spam

spam

Re: spam

spam

Re: spam

spam

Re: spam

spam

Re: spam

spam